Gaudy Patter

Inside the building, I sidestepped "CAUTION: SLIPPERY" pylons, cargo-shorted tourists, Gap Inc. execs and other hazards, searching for something I could eat for lunch. Though I was thinking "sandwich," I somehow found myself in a fish market, staring at the selection in the refrigerated case. They stared back.

An abalone shell overflowing with a heaping pile of shimmering anchovies was centered neatly beneath a light in a pile of ice. I was transfixed and disturbed until I realized that the fishmonger who staged this had evoked Un Chien Andalou, which is hard to do in the Ferry Terminal. Bravo, Sir.

The guy behind the counter who sought to help me was wearing a clean apron, but his boots were covered in scales and fish guts. I almost asked him about this, but thought better of it.

I had no idea what I was going to do with them, but I left with a half-pound of Engraulidae caught about 150 miles north of here for $2.79 and stashed them in the office fridge. For lunch, I ended up gobbling a uncured hot dog made from grass-fed beef raised about 40 miles on the other side of the Golden Gate Bridge.

At home, I Googled for anchovy recipes, but I wasn't about to head out to the store for white wine vinegar, capers, olives or other things I don't keep on hand. I looked at what we had in the crisper, and here's what I came up with:

Sauteed Anchovy Salad

Salad greens (chervil, arugula, lettuce, endive, tatsoi)
1/2 pound or more of fresh anchovies, eviscerated
olive oil
salt
pepper
flour
basil
6-8 cloves garlic
lemon
red onion
avocado
lemon cucumber
grated parmesan
vinegar

Directions:

Wash the veggies thoroughly. Put the salad greens in serving bowls.

Slice two rings of red onion and chop finely; add to salad, depending on your taste. Slice the cucumber and avocado and reserve them for later.

Peel and mince the garlic cloves, then set them aside.

With a sharp knife, cut off the fish heads and pull out the, uh, guts. Try not to dwell on what you're doing. (And if you're not planning to take the trash out immediately, put the chum in a plastic bag and toss it in the freezer. Everyone but the cats will thank you.)

Rinse the anchovies in cold water and pat dry with a paper towel

Find a container with a lid, and add about a cup of flour, along with a 1/2 tsp. of salt and a equal amount of pepper. If you have some fresh basil, chop up a few leaves and add them now, otherwise add 1/2 tsp. of dried herbs.

Add the chopped garlic, close the lid, do the hokey-pokey, and shake it all about.

Set a large saucepan generously coated with olive oil over a medium flame. One at a time, add the dredged anchovies, flipping each fish when they're light brown.

Lift them right out of the pan, let gravity drain some of the oil, then drop them on top of the salad greens. Add the sliced cukes and avocado, then squeeze a half lemon over the bowl, catching the seeds in your fingers. Drizzle a tablespoon of vinegar over each salad.

You'll probably have quite a bit of chopped garlic left over from the flour coating -- sift it out with a fork or spatula, and saute until it turns light brown, then add to the salad and sprinkle in some Parmesan.

Serve!